Bravery

“Courage is found in unlikely places.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien

As I write this entry, I am sitting in a hospital bed - I have some kind of infection, and as my white blood cells are so low due to the chemotherapy, I need antibiotics to get me better. I was admitted yesterday, and will likely be here until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. The good news is, however, that I feel much better since yesterday, when I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I came onto the ward with grey lips and tearful eyes.

Yesterday made me think alot about this topic in particular: bravery.

I do not consider myself a very brave person - it's a quality I greatly admire in others, which I would love to have, myself. But recently, I have been told over and over how brave I am - and it's finally sinking in that bravery is relative to the person. 

So maybe, I am brave.

It has been sixteen days since I received my diagnosis, and I am shocked by how much I have grown as a person within this time. I have a new perspective on things and on life, as silly as it may sound for a seventeen year old. I will talk about that in another entry at a later stage.

When I was first told I had cancer, my reaction wasn't really what anyone expected - or even what I expected. I said, "it is what it is, and we just have to deal with it". That isn't to say I haven't cried over my diagnosis, or that it hasn't brought my moods up and down. I've had my good days and bad days - but that is to be expected, and you simply have to ride the wave to get to the shore. 

But then, the fear of the unknown set in - biopsies, IVs, medications, procedures... Would it hurt? How long would it take? Would I be at any risk? One after another, these thoughts filled my head - I was overwhelmed with fear. Worry raised it's ugly little head, and for the first few nights I lay in bed, scared of what was to come.

My biopsy was the first big hurdle I faced: I was petrified! I was given medicine to calm me down, but I could still feel fear whirring through my head. But the biopsy itself wasn't bad at all - besides one minor incident which left me crying for a minute or two, but mostly out of shock rather than pain - and it made me realize: all my worrying had been pointless.

I had gotten myself so worked up, so agitated and worried that I went in there expecting the worst (while I do often think in terms of "expect the worst, hope for the best"), I came out of there feeling like all my worry was for nothing. All that wasted energy, for nothing. It was pointless!

Worrying is a natural human emotion, and it's not to be ignored. The only reason I was diagnosed when I was, was because my parents were worried about my cough. It's an instinct, a warning sign - but sometimes, our minds run rogue. And that is when worry becomes a problem.

Since my biopsy, every procedure I have had has been much less of a worry - I've realized that there is no point in wasting energy worrying. At the end of the day, whatever is going to happen will happen whether you worry about it or not - so why make yourself feel bad, too? It's easier said than done, I know - but that's how I am trying to think. We have our bad days. I am not always able to push my worries away - I was absolutely terrified for my intrathecal chemotherapy, but again discovered it was absolutely nothing to worry about! I find it helps to trust your nurses and doctors - They know exactly what they are doing, and they will always do their very best to make you as comfortable as possible. Some things will be scary, some things will hurt - But that's just life, and at the end of the day, it'll all be over and done with soon.

Bravery is being able to face your worries and your fears - And this comes with everyday tasks. For the people who don't like talking on the phone, for the people who are worried about sitting exams: You are brave. Bravery is relative to yourself, and to a situation.

But always remember, it's okay to be scared. You can't always be brave, and you don't have to be, either. Being scared is part of life - it's a balancing act of bravery and fear, and so long as you're happy with where you are, I'd say you're doing just fine.