Sorry for the delay in writing - these past few weeks have been hectic. I've had my fifth round of R-CHOP chemotherapy, as well as my fifth intrathecal. This post will be a bit of an update, about some bad news I received and how I'm feeling about it all. I've been so uninspired, but hopefully this passes soon.
Yesterday was my intrathecal - As always, it was never as bad as I thought it would be. It was done before I knew it, and everything was fine.
Before I went into the room to get the procedure done, however, I walked out to get my blood pressure done and my mum was talking to my consultant. I was automatically thinking, "Something is wrong" because of the look on my mum's face!!
So, after the procedure was done and I was resting on my back, my consultant came in to speak to me and tell me what her and my mum had been talking about.
I am going to need more treatment than originally planned.
A new study was recently published on CNS prophyaxis - the procedure I was having done in my back - that put me into a high risk group. For this reason, I need a specific kind of treatment to prevent the cancer from returning and potentially spreading into my CNS, which would be catastrophic and difficult to treat.
The decision was ultimately left up to me, but I said yes. I'm disappointed, very much so - it only really hit me today. Yesterday I was making the best of it because the news hadn't really gotten through to me - But today I have cried about it and complained about it and just... been real with myself. But the reason I am putting myself through this disappointment is because I have a life to live. I am not willing to risk letting the cancer come back in a much more serious way. I know it's my best option to get this treatment, as disappointing as it may be. So I said yes.
The treatment is inpatient, which means that after my sixth chemotherapy and after my radiotherapy, I will be hospitalized three times, for on average five days at a time so they can administer the chemotherapy. It all depends how the first treatment goes, but I'm really, really hoping it will be bearable.
I'm gutted, truth be told. I was so excited for everything to be nearly over, for the end to be in sight... But it's going to be worth it in the long run, so really, I can't complain too much. I shouldn't complain too much, but it's hard. It's hard to take in, and hard to deal with.
I just have to make the best of it and keep my chin up, but I'm also trying to remind myself - it's okay not to be okay all the time.
The good news is, this will prevent the cancer from returning. The bad news is, I have to have more treatment. But it'll be worth it, and I know that.
Love and good vibes to you all,
Lana
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