Hello, everyone. I'm sorry for not updating - as always I have no excuse, but we're here now. This post will be my final post on this blog; It is now going to be an archive, so that everyone can read back on my posts when they wish to, but it will not be updated any further.
I want to start this post off by thanking you all for your unwavering support. Without your prayers, your love and your kindness, I believe that I wouldn't be where I am right now.
As of today, the 9th of February, 2017, I am officially cancer free.
It's been a long, hard road. I like to think I've made the best of it, but as you can imagine, I'm glad it's over!! Cancer is a hard journey to go through - But through it all I have had so many amazing people standing alongside me and for that, I am ever grateful. I don't now how I can repay you all; I hope that my words, my thanks, will be enough. It might seem like nothing, but please know: You have changed a young girl's life.
When all this started, if I can be fully honest; I was unsure of whether or not I'd ever get to visit Iceland again, or go back to school, or chase my dreams the way I wanted to. I wasn't sure if I would make it through all this - my largest tumour was 12cm in diameter and had put so much pressure on my lung that it had partially collapsed. I was so scared - and in times of fear, we don't know what may happen.
Thankfully, God is good. My friends are good. My family are good - life is good. And there was always a plan for me. Now, I am sitting in front of my laptop, like any normal teenager would - I have some old, used dishes that I really need to take downstairs, (sorry, mum) my cat beside me, and everything just seems so... normal. You wouldn't think that, in some ways, I had stared death in the face, because here I am: out the other side.
I remember sitting in hospital ward A3, at 2 o'clock in the morning, with a fever - and my biggest fear, then, was getting my bloods taken. Looking back on everything I have been through, it seems so blurred - so hazy. And so, so far away.
I'm not complaining, however!
No, this chapter of my life is, in some ways, one that I hope to forget very, very soon. But in other ways - I hope it's one I'll never forget. I never want to forget the outpouring of love for me, or the amazing people I met through my journey. I never want to forget the kindness, the smiles, the love and the support. I know this chapter of my life, though hard, has bettered me.
My perspective on life has changed greatly since my diagnosis. Life is a new gift to me - and I have a perspective not many people my age do. With my life - the remainder, I could say, but I prefer to say the entirety - I am going to do what I love. After all, if you do what you love, you love what you do.
I am going to chase my dreams, be myself, and make myself happy. I am going to give my love to others. I am going to travel, and speak languages, and draw, and do everything that makes me happy.
Because I deserve it. Not just me - everyone deserves happiness.
Remember that, if nothing else, from this blog; We are in this together. We are all wonderful... And we all deserve happiness.
Thankyou for reading my blog on the way through. It will now be archived, but I hope you will take heart in every letter I have typed.
Much love, and many thanks,
Lana Douglas.
Showing posts with label mental health day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health day. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 February 2017
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
World Mental Health Day
Trigger warning: very open speaking about suicide, and self harm.
I know this isn't what I usually talk about - But it's just as important to focus on our mental wellbeing as our physical. I am someone who suffers from both mental and physical problems, and that is why Mental Health Day is close to my heart. I am going to talk openly and without judgement about my experiences, and I would appreciate your full support. I acknowledge that this is not my usual topic but I hope you will read it just the same. Please be cautious if you are sensitive to mentions of self harm, suicide, and general mental health problems.
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and I think it's important to talk about.
Feeling the way I do is hard to describe; impossible to put across to someone who has not experienced it. But if you have experienced it, you might know what I mean when I say, you're completely empty, yet at the same time you're full of an incomprehensible sadness that completely overwhelms all other feelings and sensations. And the worst part is, it's endless. Even when you're happy, you're not happy. Your lungs constantly feel like they're weighed down by something, and your stomach constantly feels like you are about to walk out on stage and embarrass yourself in front of a crowd of people. It's unbearable, and yet you have no other choices.
You bottle it up, because talking to people is hard - you burden them, you are nothing but a burden to them with all your sadness and all your negativity. You push help away while knowing you need it more than anything. You need someone to help you escape from your cage, but as soon as the door opens you back yourself into a corner, refusing to exit. And when you're told that you're loved, wanted, needed - you refuse it. You push it away because you do not deserve it.
But there is an inescapable sadness that sits in your chest and stomach. A feeling of worry, disgust, fear - for no reason at all. Your hands shake, and you just feel so tired of everything. You feel like there's no escape. You count up every way you could possibly kill yourself, it's validity, any way you could possibly make your family feel less pain. But you know there is no way of doing it that would not hurt everyone else - so you tell yourself, "I will deal with the pain instead".
It takes alot to turn emotional pain into physical pain, but I have been there. I have been addicted to self harm. My legs, striped like a tiger, will never return to normal. I knew that I was making it worse with every cut, and yet it felt so freeing. It felt like the sadness was being pulled out of me and it left me feeling revived and rejuvenated. Seeing blood made me feel alive. It reminded me that I wasn't dead yet - that I could do this and I could get through it. But the sadness always returned, and like gaining a tolerance to medication, you have to go a little deeper - make the cut a little longer.
To feel so unstable that you cut yourself open and enjoy it is a serious sign that something is wrong.
Your friends, family - they might not see it. Only I know the extent of my instability. Only I can hear the thoughts that swirl in my mind. Kill yourself. You're worthless. Nobody loves you. Your friends are lying when they say they care. You're a burden. Only I am aware of the nights when I lie in bed and cry until my pillow is wet, because I don't tell anyone. Only I know the extent of how bad things are getting, because nobody can hear me shouting for help as I'm pulled underwater.
It's almost like seeing the world in a different way. Nothing seems quite the same as it used to. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Food tastes like cardboard. Nothing is as enjoyable as it should be or as you remember it to be. Things you love have changed. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I have never felt quite so alone as I have recently, and yet I have some of the greatest friends imaginable. I am deeply in love, and yes, that brings me joy; but sadness runs deeper than happiness and it seems much, much more permanent. Happiness is fleeting.
It's not about "changing your view on life", "distracting yourself", or "powering through it." There is a serious chemical imbalance and an illness of the brain - a mental illness - which can be just as serious as having cancer. I speak from experience - Out of the two things I have fought and am fighting? I find depression harder to deal with than cancer, because it is simply so...
Hard to treat. Different for everyone. Difficult to manage. Inescapable.
People who have not been through these feelings could not understand what it is like; so I am doing my best to verbalise what it feels like. Mental illness is looked at like it's a burden because it's "not real" in the same way as cancer is "real". But mental health problems are so hard to cope with, because there is no way out.
I wish I could explain everything, but the details can be hard to read. Maybe someday I will write a blog on these details - but for now, I leave it with this. If you or someone you know is in need of mental help, please see your GP. If you or someone you know s in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.
Stay safe. You are valued. Life is tough...
...but you are tougher.
- Lana
I know this isn't what I usually talk about - But it's just as important to focus on our mental wellbeing as our physical. I am someone who suffers from both mental and physical problems, and that is why Mental Health Day is close to my heart. I am going to talk openly and without judgement about my experiences, and I would appreciate your full support. I acknowledge that this is not my usual topic but I hope you will read it just the same. Please be cautious if you are sensitive to mentions of self harm, suicide, and general mental health problems.
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and I think it's important to talk about.
Feeling the way I do is hard to describe; impossible to put across to someone who has not experienced it. But if you have experienced it, you might know what I mean when I say, you're completely empty, yet at the same time you're full of an incomprehensible sadness that completely overwhelms all other feelings and sensations. And the worst part is, it's endless. Even when you're happy, you're not happy. Your lungs constantly feel like they're weighed down by something, and your stomach constantly feels like you are about to walk out on stage and embarrass yourself in front of a crowd of people. It's unbearable, and yet you have no other choices.
You bottle it up, because talking to people is hard - you burden them, you are nothing but a burden to them with all your sadness and all your negativity. You push help away while knowing you need it more than anything. You need someone to help you escape from your cage, but as soon as the door opens you back yourself into a corner, refusing to exit. And when you're told that you're loved, wanted, needed - you refuse it. You push it away because you do not deserve it.
It takes alot to turn emotional pain into physical pain, but I have been there. I have been addicted to self harm. My legs, striped like a tiger, will never return to normal. I knew that I was making it worse with every cut, and yet it felt so freeing. It felt like the sadness was being pulled out of me and it left me feeling revived and rejuvenated. Seeing blood made me feel alive. It reminded me that I wasn't dead yet - that I could do this and I could get through it. But the sadness always returned, and like gaining a tolerance to medication, you have to go a little deeper - make the cut a little longer.
To feel so unstable that you cut yourself open and enjoy it is a serious sign that something is wrong.
Your friends, family - they might not see it. Only I know the extent of my instability. Only I can hear the thoughts that swirl in my mind. Kill yourself. You're worthless. Nobody loves you. Your friends are lying when they say they care. You're a burden. Only I am aware of the nights when I lie in bed and cry until my pillow is wet, because I don't tell anyone. Only I know the extent of how bad things are getting, because nobody can hear me shouting for help as I'm pulled underwater.
It's almost like seeing the world in a different way. Nothing seems quite the same as it used to. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Food tastes like cardboard. Nothing is as enjoyable as it should be or as you remember it to be. Things you love have changed. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I have never felt quite so alone as I have recently, and yet I have some of the greatest friends imaginable. I am deeply in love, and yes, that brings me joy; but sadness runs deeper than happiness and it seems much, much more permanent. Happiness is fleeting.
It's not about "changing your view on life", "distracting yourself", or "powering through it." There is a serious chemical imbalance and an illness of the brain - a mental illness - which can be just as serious as having cancer. I speak from experience - Out of the two things I have fought and am fighting? I find depression harder to deal with than cancer, because it is simply so...
Hard to treat. Different for everyone. Difficult to manage. Inescapable.
People who have not been through these feelings could not understand what it is like; so I am doing my best to verbalise what it feels like. Mental illness is looked at like it's a burden because it's "not real" in the same way as cancer is "real". But mental health problems are so hard to cope with, because there is no way out.
I wish I could explain everything, but the details can be hard to read. Maybe someday I will write a blog on these details - but for now, I leave it with this. If you or someone you know is in need of mental help, please see your GP. If you or someone you know s in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.
Stay safe. You are valued. Life is tough...
...but you are tougher.
- Lana
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