World Mental Health Day

Trigger warning: very open speaking about suicide, and self harm.

I know this isn't what I usually talk about - But it's just as important to focus on our mental wellbeing as our physical. I am someone who suffers from both mental and physical problems, and that is why Mental Health Day is close to my heart. I am going to talk openly and without judgement about my experiences, and I would appreciate your full support. I acknowledge that this is not my usual topic but I hope you will read it just the same. Please be cautious if you are sensitive to mentions of self harm, suicide, and general mental health problems.

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and I think it's important to talk about.

Feeling the way I do is hard to describe; impossible to put across to someone who has not experienced it. But if you have experienced it, you might know what I mean when I say, you're completely empty, yet at the same time you're full of an incomprehensible sadness that completely overwhelms all other feelings and sensations. And the worst part is, it's endless. Even when you're happy, you're not happy. Your lungs constantly feel like they're weighed down by something, and your stomach constantly feels like you are about to walk out on stage and embarrass yourself in front of a crowd of people. It's unbearable, and yet you have no other choices.

You bottle it up, because talking to people is hard - you burden them, you are nothing but a burden to them with all your sadness and all your negativity. You push help away while knowing you need it more than anything. You need someone to help you escape from your cage, but as soon as the door opens you back yourself into a corner, refusing to exit. And when you're told that you're loved, wanted, needed - you refuse it. You push it away because you do not deserve it.

But there is an inescapable sadness that sits in your chest and stomach. A feeling of worry, disgust, fear - for no reason at all. Your hands shake, and you just feel so tired of everything. You feel like there's no escape. You count up every way you could possibly kill yourself, it's validity, any way you could possibly make your family feel less pain. But you know there is no way of doing it that would not hurt everyone else - so you tell yourself, "I will deal with the pain instead".

It takes alot to turn emotional pain into physical pain, but I have been there. I have been addicted to self harm. My legs, striped like a tiger, will never return to normal. I knew that I was making it worse with every cut, and yet it felt so freeing. It felt like the sadness was being pulled out of me and it left me feeling revived and rejuvenated. Seeing blood made me feel alive. It reminded me that I wasn't dead yet - that I could do this and I could get through it. But the sadness always returned, and like gaining a tolerance to medication, you have to go a little deeper - make the cut a little longer.

To feel so unstable that you cut yourself open and enjoy it is a serious sign that something is wrong.

Your friends, family - they might not see it. Only I know the extent of my instability. Only I can hear the thoughts that swirl in my mind. Kill yourself. You're worthless. Nobody loves you. Your friends are lying when they say they care. You're a burden. Only I am aware of the nights when I lie in bed and cry until my pillow is wet, because I don't tell anyone. Only I know the extent of how bad things are getting, because nobody can hear me shouting for help as I'm pulled underwater.

It's almost like seeing the world in a different way. Nothing seems quite the same as it used to. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Food tastes like cardboard. Nothing is as enjoyable as it should be or as you remember it to be. Things you love have changed. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I have never felt quite so alone as I have recently, and yet I have some of the greatest friends imaginable. I am deeply in love, and yes, that brings me joy; but sadness runs deeper than happiness and it seems much, much more permanent. Happiness is fleeting.

It's not about "changing your view on life", "distracting yourself", or "powering through it." There is a serious chemical imbalance and an illness of the brain - a mental illness - which can be just as serious as having cancer. I speak from experience - Out of the two things I have fought and am fighting? I find depression harder to deal with than cancer, because it is simply so...
Hard to treat. Different for everyone. Difficult to manage. Inescapable. 

People who have not been through these feelings could not understand what it is like; so I am doing my best to verbalise what it feels like. Mental illness is looked at like it's a burden because it's "not real" in the same way as cancer is "real". But mental health problems are so hard to cope with, because there is no way out.

I wish I could explain everything, but the details can be hard to read. Maybe someday I will write a blog on these details - but for now, I leave it with this. If you or someone you know is in need of mental help, please see your GP. If you or someone you know s in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number. 

Stay safe. You are valued. Life is tough...

...but you are tougher.

- Lana